The Book of Gawain

Hope for a Return

2006-08-16T14:56:54Z

Despite the fact that I have not posted anything in so long, I always hoped for a return to my site. I have sought to chronicle my life as it goes along, but have done so within my own mind. It seems that I find ways of avoiding putting pen to paper as it were. I keep a journal, but rarely write an entry. My best intentions of regular and detailed entries are derailed almost as soon as they are formulated. I would like to think that now I will do better. Unfortunately, history indicates otherwise. Hell, nobody will read this anyway.

My life has been a terrific adventure in many ways. I have never really traveled much (Two trips to Africa and one brief excursion into London are my only forays outside the continental U.S.). Nor have I written much of substance - few poems or stories, few songs or verses. Mostly random snippets and thoughts - A catalog of articles on Xianity and ideas on God.

Ah, but the places I have gone! My mind has feasted upon ideas and explored worlds far beyond that which I once deemed possible. I have sat at the feet of masters and angels, gods and sages, wizards and shamans. They have all taught me. I have often failed to listen and receive. But, I have come to realize some things.

I have come to realize that so much of what was always so certain was nothing more than a product of nurture, bias, and programmed spiritual blindness. The spiritual possibilities of our universe are limitless, except for those who are limited within themselves.

I have come to realize the possibilities and potency of magic in our modern age. Magic is real and I can benefit from the study and practice of the magical arts. I can become the magician and wizard who can impact the world and alter my own destiny.

I have come to realize the validity and value of the Qabalah, the tarot, and astrology (although I have mastered none of them). I am determined to come to an understanding of all three as they relate to one another and the universe.

I have come to realize that I alone am responsible for my own actions and attitudes. If I am to grow and develop I will do so by my own effort and according to my own Will. I will likewise suffer from a lack of effort or self-defeating actions and attitudes.

More to Come . . .

GG

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

2005-08-02T22:58:41Z

I wonder if when Garcia & Hunter put these words to a song they realized how they would strike a cord in the imaginative psyche of so many young people . . . well, maybe not so young by now! But, anyway, I think about my life as "a long strange trip" as I know that many others do as well. Believe it or not, these words actually have served to give a sort of definition and meaning to my life. They've been a sort of consolation and incentive when the "hoped for" became the "should have been." Yeah, maybe I have not achieved "greatness" (Right, I put it in quotations). Maybe I have not made a fortune (I can't even pay all the bills right now). Without a doubt I have not done everything I would have like to have done, but . . .goddamn . . . it's been a long, strange trip. Raise your glass and drink a toast 'cause we can all drink to that!

In a way . . .hell, in more than just "a way," I become keenly, emphatically, & decidely aware that we're all the same, in so many weird & wonderfully fucked up ways. Jerry's "long, strange trip" ended in cardiac arrest in a rehab facility. Jim's ended in the drunken haze of a Paris hotel. Cass . . . in the lonely room of isolation for the lonely and beautifully obese. Neal . . . in a running motor car to which he'd fashioned a hose from tail pipe to window. Blair . . . by self-inflicted gunshot in sight of his horrified wife, to give his demise that eternal "florish." Dad . . . by alcohol and tobacco abuse over too many tortured years. Me . . . ahhh . . . Shit, I suppose I'm damned to follow the foolish dementors of my past (Jerry, Jim, Cass, Keith, Neal, Blair, . . . Dad). But, my damnation is of my own making. I'm not condemned by gods or demons, by angels or even the output of a demented conscience, but by the everlasting, all-encompassing and eternally oppressive stupidity of purpose. Hell, perhaps it's just a lack of clear direction!

If there is a God (and I am prone to great and abiding doubt at this point in my life) why the hell has he persisted in such vague and ambiguous instructions for the road ahead. I mean (and this is intended with all due respect) what the fuck do you want us to do and how the hell do you expect us to do it . . . I mean, come on! You gave us your Word, right? Well, which one? The Koran? The Upanishads? How 'bout the Tao te Ching? I've consulted the I'Ching and found it to be pretty good stuff, but . . . which one is the right one? Is there a "right one?" The Bible? Well, don't even get me started on this cause I may not stop. This word that has guided my life for most of my life has disappointed me for the last itme and I'm not sure if I can even consider it as a serious piece of religious literature . . . surely not one that I'd bet my sweet ass on.

If it doesn't really matter then, from my point of view, we're all screwed. After all, if your're not GOD enough to give us better instruction and if it really doesn't matter to you what we do, how are we going to fare when we face you? Arbitrary is arbitrary whether it be from god or man and both are as abiguous as they are destestible.

GG

Fluff Bunnies

2005-04-14T21:28:48Z

The subject of "fluff bunnies" in the pagan community comes up from time to time, and although I am certainly no lover of the fluffy persona, I believe they are an inevitable and even necessary part to the pagan community. I suppose that part of the problem of the "fluff-bunny pagan" is that they perpetuate an inaccurate stereotype of the so-called "pagan." You know, the average "man on the street" thinks of the typical pagan as a hippy, tree-hugger, spaced-out, ecologically-minded (thought there's nothing wrong with that *L*), long haired (nothing wrong there either *S*),"Blessed be" saying, vegetarian eating, incomprehensibly speaking & obviously drug-addled, balding, middle-aged fruitcake that lives in a world of his own and will never be a useful part of the "real world."

I saw a recent commercial (regional, I'm quite sure) which pictured similar characters as described above who were meditating to "achieve enlightenment." When they go to the "plain of everlasting bliss" they see some guy floating in a recliner eating hamburgers (You know, by eating this companies burgers he has achieved enlightenment). The commercial kind of pisses me off, because of the incorrect stereotype attached to anyone who aligns himself/herself to the pagan community. In other words, we're all a bunch of robe-wearing and useless inhabitants of the planet who ought to get with the program and "go along". THEN we will truly achieve enlightenment.

But, in reality, the type really does exist and I'm sure we all have met (or know intimately) some of them. But, in a way, we are actually indebted to them. They help us, in a sense.

For one thing, they keep the pretenders away. I mean, if one believes that this type is the typical pagan it may keep away the one who is only looking for a cheap thrill or a "new thing" in his/her life. The true seeker of truth will be able to see beyond the stereotype and grip that for which he seeks.

For another, most of them are actually nice people. Maybe a little weird but kind of nice. I prefer people who are kind to me and to most animals (even though I'm a little pissed at the squirrels who have invaded my attic). . .perhaps some may be irritatingly so . . .but nice is good.

But, really . . . let's face it . . .the "fluff bunnies" are here to stay. And, in the immortal words of Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along?"

Hope I have been somewhat coherent. I'll do better next time.

Blessed Be (*kidding*)
GG

Has it Sprung? I Think Not

2005-03-21T15:03:10Z

Yeah, I know . . . another tease. Spring has officially arrived, but this is hardly what I would normally identify as Spring. You'd think that after almost ten years in Ohio I'd be used to this by now. But, I continue to romanticize the seasonal changes as though our journey into each solstice and equinox would somehow mark a magical change in weather condition. You know what I mean . . . Spring means immediately warming temperatures, abundant and obvious signs of new life, light showers, but mostly sunshine, with the birds all a-twitter, the bees a-buzzing . . . you get the picture.

Not yet . . . not here anyway. But, my mind is prepared for the change and my attitude is definitely inclining toward the Springtime.

I have decided:

1. My training (running, cycling, swimming, eating right, etc) will begin this week in earnest.

2. I will adopt an increasingly positive and genteel attitude toward all life (that includes, but is in no way limited to, my fellow man -- the hardest life to love, after all).

3. I will work hard, play hard, laugh hard, and love easy.

4. I will seek to expand myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

5. I will be honest with others, and especially myself.

6. I will learn to say "no."

7. I will stop procrastinating . . . tomorrow . . .

8. I will be more demonstrative with my love (especially toward my wife).

9. I will devote to God the attention which he/she deserves.

This list is by no means exhaustive, but I believe it to be a good start.

GG

Satanism

2005-03-20T01:55:56Z

I just took a quiz to determine which religion I was most suited for. The result was Satanim and I was a bit surprised but awfully intrigued. I have done a bit of study on Satanism & despite the bad publicity, I find it a sensible & viable religious concept.

Religion has traditionally had much to do with suppressing the ego & subjecting the will of man to the background. Satanism is a religion that supports the will & encourages expression of the natural desire of man. Both of which I'm all for!

"Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody . . ."

2005-03-20T01:00:45Z

Despite my loathing for bad grammar and equal hatred for that God-awful song, I used it for this evening's subject simply because it just popped into my mind. After all, it IS Saturday night. But, my wife is upstairs, so I actually DO have somebody . . . but she's upstairs!

I am terribly excited about the seeming advent of real Spring-like weather in Ohio (today turned a bit crappy, but the week ended on a positive and lively note). Funny how my life is so altered and affected by the seasons. I am somewhat athletic, but I always lose motivation and gain weight in the winter. So, consequently, I struggle to regain my form and usually start out the season with injury . . . and I KNOW it's going to happen, but I am willingly unable (how's that for oxymoronic) to do anything about it.

This is my first entry . . . ever. I'll do better next time!

GG